Category: Let's talk
Oh my goodness! I cannot believe this is happening, but it is, and I just don't know what to do.
Let me start off by saying that I usually don't seek advice. I'm usually the adviser, but in this case, I am proud and quick to admit I need it. I have a couple of ideas on how to approach this situation, which I will discuss later on in this post.
So here's what's going on:
My mother has self image problems. She thinks that she's fat and desperately wants to lose weight. Then again, she claims that she has no problems with her self image, and that she's old (which she isn't, she's only 49) and that she should be allowed and able to eat whatever the hell she wants.
My second oldest sister, Venus, also wants to lose weight, but she says that if she doesn't, she's okay with that too. I wouldn't call her fat, but proportionate or voluptuous. She has a very nice figure, and she's very pretty.
The problem is that my mother has started making rude and unnecessary comments about Venus's weight. She has asked her if she weighs over 200 pounds, and has even called her pregnant! Once, she walked into the dining room, and Venus was eating a salad. And my mother said: "There's no point in eating that, it won't work anyway." And this passed Saturday was my youngest niece's birthday party. When Venus started cutting herself a slice of cake, my mom said: "Why are you eating that? You know where it's gonna go." My mother has even told Venus to stop eating.
I cannot believe any of this! These comments that she is making are so rude and hurtful.
Venus has complained about this to me, and I told her that our mother was only saying these things because she feels bad about herself, and wants someone to feel bad with her, or maybe even worse. Our dad agreed with me and we told her to try to ignore it.
But she cannot. My mother has made such comments as these about Venus since she started the seventh grade. And because Venus wears certain clothes that doesn't cover her cleavage well, my mother has even called her a whore, slut, and skank. So this shit's been going on for over six years.
What made me realize how much this is hurting Venus was a conversation she had with her boyfriend last night. She's in college, but she's home for the summer, so we're sharing a room. I was awakened by her entering the room, and I heard all of her conversation. She was telling her boyfriend about all these nasty things my mother was saying about her weight. She told him that she has ordered diet pills to help her lose weight. She had told me about these pills on Friday, and I told her that this method of weight loss was unnecessary. So anyway, she went on to tell her boyfriend that she bets that if our mother found her throwing up, she wouldn't even care.
And that last thing is what scares me. I do not want my sister to develop an eating disorder. There are better ways to lose weight, but this should not even be a last resort!
I do not know how to approach my mother to tell her that what she's saying about Venus's weight is doing damage, and that this must stop. I have thought about approaching her in person, but my mother gets on to yelling and accusatory type shit. And she thinks that everyone should respect her because we live under her rough, and that she doesn't have to respect anyone. And so go her words of wisdom: "treat everyone as you would want to be treated." Huhhh! How hypocritical are we gonna get?
I have also thought about sending my mother an e-mail. This way, I can look over it a couple times before I send it, thus, phrasing the sentences so as to be frank, but not rude. This also has a chance of eliminating a confrontation. But of course, I live with her, so if she wanted to personally confront me or Venus, she could.
I just do not know how to handle this, and I really am asking for you guys' help.
I am so afraid of losing my sister to an eating disorder, depression, and maybe even suicide! People can only handle so much, and I just can't stand this.
Please help.
You're right; your mother needs to stop. What she's doing is just cruel!
Personally, I think your idea of sending an email is a good one. That way you can say everything you need to say, uninterrupted, and exactly how you need to say it. Chances are, there will be a confrontation after the email; but at least you'll know she's read the email and knows exactly how you feel.
I definitely agree that your mother is taking her own self-esteem issues out on Venus. I'm guessing too that this is what drove you to write your "What's Wrong with Being Fat?" topic (which was very well-written, by the way). As for what to do... well... as you might have gathered by now (lol), I have a quick temper and a sharp tongue and would probably come right out and tell your mom to stop making other people feel bad about themselves just because she does. The way she treats Venus is uncalled for. I hate to say it, but this situation could indeed result in Venus having an eating disorder if something isn't done now. If I were you, I would sit Venus down and have an honest discussion with her. Ask her if it's really her, or just your mother's influence, that's the reason she suddenly wants to lose weight, when she's been fine with her weight up until recently. Remind her that she's a beautiful person, and that diet pills can be very dangerous. I would also add that since Venus is an adult and obviously does not need to be in the environment she's in right now, she should get her own place. I think she'll find it's one of the best decisions she'll ever make.
I hope this helps and that everything works out. Hugs.
Becky
By the way, you and your sister certainly do have very pretty and exotic names. lol, it has me curious as to what your other sibling(s) names are.
Brooke, you're so right.
Becky, you're correct. This was my reason for creating that topic.
I do tell my sister that she is pretty, and I have told her that diet pills are not always safe or healthy.
this desire to lose weight is indeed influenced by my mother. And Venus is striving so hard to get her own place. She and her boyfriend are scraping as much money together as they can. they both have jobs, and are working on saving. They're also looking at apartments close to campus, too. She wanted to be out of here by the beginning of July, but her boyfriend said that it might take a bit longer.
Oh, and my other siblings names aren't as unique as ours. Well, not in my opinion anyway. But they are nice names. My oldest sister's name is Angela, Angie for short, and my younger brother's name is Kenneth, Kenny for short.
Thanks for the support guys. I feel so down and irate about this matter.
Would your father be able to help in this situation? I'm thinking your mother needs therapy to get over her own self-image issues as well as to be forced to see how she is hurting your sister. The things she has been saying to Venus will follow poor Venus around for the rest of her life. She may never feel good about herself because of what your mother has said to her in the past and is still saying. I would say some family therapy as well as individual therapy for both your mother and sister would be helpful. Maybe if you talk to your father, he can help convince your mother to get therapy.
Therapy? Huhhh. I'll tell you what. I query whether that will work or not. My mother lies a lot to try to cover up so much about herself, and she's so full of self-denial. This woman was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and denies that she's bipolar. She claims to "just have bipolar moments." Yeah, bypolar moments that will last for the rest of her life!
Bringing up therapy did give me an idea though. I should mention this to our pastor. If she'll listen to anyone, it'll be one of God's messengers.
Oh yes, and also, when I compose that e-mail, I'll post it here first. I want to make sure that it's as non-offensive as possible, even though my mother will probably still manage to get offended.
When you've spoken to me about venus, it's always been that she's very intellegent and even that she wants to become a doctor one day. Try reminding her of her own knowledge of such things as her weight, and the pills she's considering to take. see if you can get her thinking the way she used to. Also what your mother has been doing, is emotional abuse, and when it began, your sister was a minor, so it would have been child abuse. that means what she does is incredibly serious, and so should be taken so by all of the family. I'm not sure how you get her therapy, or help, except to agree that because of your Mother's religion, a member of the church maybe one of the best ways. Don't forget, that if you can get her some good level of help and support, you're getting the same for the rest of you hopefully.
All right. So this very evening, my family had a huge fall out. It started off with a simple question and me, Venus, and our mother. But our dad and Kenny arrived, and they were soon involved as well.
So we discussed just about everything. My dad suggested we break up and go into different rooms before we fought or whatever, but the three women in this house are all bullheaded. So we went on talking, yelling, talking, and yelling. The result?
We all ended up getting our individual points across and adding onto each other's points. We all prayed and hugged afterward, of course.
But as we all know, moments like these are ahead in the future. And I'm not hoping so, just stating what I know.
All in all, I think this has had a better turn out than any of the fights or talks my family has ever had. No one left the house or room, and no one was hit.
Venus did end up telling my mother about those pills. And my mother agreed with our dad and me, but she said that if that's how Venus feels she should lose weight, then go for it. Of course, I don't support that, and I'm still going to have a talk with Venus.
So screw the e-mail, just for now, the confrontation has occurred.
Venus did get her point across that my mother insults her more than she compliments her. So now my dad says that we all must put forth effort to say more positive things than bad things, which has always been his point since as far back as I can remember.
Wow, I've gotta say that we've come a long way.
I'm done for now. Thanks for reading my personal narrative. It just feels so great to type this all out, it makes me feel better..
great job raven!!!!!! I'm glad that all this seems to have worked out so well.
Here is a thought that you might want to keep in mind for some future time. Often, we don't realize how we sound. When your mom gets on her high horse about the weight, venus and her need to have a code word or sentence, which venus can use to make her stop and think. Often this is all that is needed.
when I first read this thread and saw your mom's age, I was not surprised at all. It sounds like your mom is going through the change of life, menopause, or whatever you want to call it. It sounds to me like her overemphasis on the weight is reflecting her own concerns about the physical and psychological changes her body and mind are undergoing.
Often we hurt those we love the most, because whe know exactly whichbuttons to push and how hard to press them. It sounds to me that your mom is feeling like things are out of control and striking out as a way to gain power.
Venus needs to understand that her physical appearance should not be dependent on her mom's love. In other words, how she looks shouldn't mean anything about how much your mom loves her. Tying weight and love together is a very explosive and toxic combination.
Unless it is a last resort, I wouldn't send an email. It is much more constructive though very scary to talk to people then to write to them. To keep my ducks in a row, I'd write out the points I have and bring them to the table.
You need to keep the forward momentum going in some way. In a couple days, sit down with both of them. First say how proud you are of them for communicating. Then suggest that all of you work together to keep moving forward.
I hope this makes sense. If you need anything amplified please let me know. Also if I'm totally out in left field, pitch that my way too. enjoy your day
I like the idea of a code word that Venus can use to get your mom to stop and think about what she has just said. It's a damn shame, but often parents have no idea how negatively they come across or the fact that everything they say is having an impact on their children's lives. She needs to continue to be reminded of the impact of her mean words.
After much teen angst, drama and trauma, my son, daughter and I are now close friends. This is because of something my son said to me. During the midst of an extremely heated and emotional discussion, I said something very hurtful to him. In the family where I grew up, dirty fighting was encouraged. This may be the case with your mom as well Raven. Too often we mirror what we see and pass on these lovely traits to the next generation. My son said to me "stop ttalking to me as a mom. Treat me with the respect and use the words you would to your professional colleagues." LWell, he shut me up, which was a feat in itself. After storming around the neighborhood at top speed for a while, I realized that he was right. Often we get away with murder at home simply because we can. We wield our parental power like a heavy rolling pin instead of a hand that is molding the clay of character. Although I still have to work at it, often I think "how would i say this at work." Also, when I get too out there both my kids and my husband have my full permission to say "volume control."
I will state that, as a person with clinical depression and a recovering self-injurer, comments like that can send people down the wrong roads...with lasting results! The way your mom is treating your sister is abhorrent and completely unacceptable! Your support of your sister can surely make a difference, so definitely continue to encourage her. In my opinion, an email is the way to go...send the email so you can say everything you want to without interruption and defensive comments that could get you way off track. That way, she can read everything and can't throw comments at you to get you off track and avoid the continuation of the discussion she desperately needs to here. Going back to my first statement, because I understand eating issues, self-injury and suicide, I would say something needs to be done as soon as possible. By the way, what is your name? I believe it was Becky who said it is exotic, like your sisters, so now I'm curious.
NativeRose
To poster twelve, my name's Raven.
Holly, my mother did grow up with a father that was verbally abusive. And she blames it on him that she is this way, but from what I can remember from early childhood, she didn't used to be this way. I think what really took a toll on her was when she went off into drugs. For about five years of our lives, our mother didn't even raise us because she got depressed when I lost my vision and decided to go off into drugs and partying. So even though she's off all that crap now, it all still changed her mentallity and rationality. Her excuse for being verbally abusive is that she is preparing us for the world because this is exactly how the world is going to treat us.
I do agree that everyone you encounter in life will not be kind toward you, but she makes it seem like no one you meet outside the house gives a shit about you, they all talk badly about you behind your back, and they're all out to get you.
Hi Raven,
Sweetie pie!!!!!! My husband's mom and my mom used the same logic, if that's what you call it on us. "I'm trying to toughen you up," was often heard by both of us. I was treated to "blind people don't marry so you better like yourself 'cause you'll be alone..." and "you aren't a raving beauty so no man will want you...." My folks grew up during the depression when the world was miserable. Hoever, saying that stuff had just the opposite of the effect she wanted. For many of the early years I felt like a c minus unworthy person.
Strong women with good self images are the ones who succeed. What your and my mom's fail to realize is that home should be a safe place. That doesn't mean that the folks should cave and let us run wild. It does mean that our strengths should be nurtured and our weaknesses lovingly addressed. The bible clearly says to "tell the truth with love." A lot of people forget those last two words.
Your mom desperately needs help. I would seriously think that an intervention of some kind needs to be planned before she damages you all further. It sounds like guilt and self loathing are behind her hurtful actions. That's a simple explanation but i'm not a complicated person. Your dad sounds extremely supportive. Perhaps you could enlist him. Some kind of tough love for mama needs to take place. It sucks when the kids have mor maturity then the parents.
Holly, I totally agree with you. I try to stress to my mother that home should be a safe and healthy environment to live in, but her logic is that her job is to toughen us up, and that's it. It's sad, but unfortunately true.
Thank you so much for supporting me and taking my problem into consideration.
well, whether it is despite or because of your upbringing, you are a credit to those who raised you. your intelligence, resilience, and common sense are far greater then the average person of any age let alone the one you are. enjoy your day.